How to Date a Colleague without Ruining Your Career

For busy professionals, the office is where you’re most likely to find a mate. Besides, the time spent together in a professional setting can provide insight into each other’s values, personalities, stress triggers, and coping mechanisms. Still, executives have been fired for inappropriate office romances. Thus, a bit of caution is necessary to guard against having workplace dating blow up in your face!

Here are factors consider before jumping in.  

1. Does your workplace have a fraternization policy?

If there is a written policy on workplace dating, you should stay within the guidelines or, if you and your partner have decided that the personal relationship is a keeper, then you should sit down together with an HR professional and explain why this relationship is as paramount to your lives as your jobs are and ask that the employer help you to maintain both.

The fact that personal lives are at least as important as careers leads to the second consideration…

2. Are the two of you serious?

If you’re not sure how serious you are, keep the relationship platonic until you know. If a couple cared for and respected each other, then that will show even if the relationship fails to go the distance. If they didn’t have strong feelings, that will show, too. The workplace is not the scene for casual relationships. A woman will usually feel uncomfortable having to constantly interact with a former lover who has moved on emotionally. There are already enough reasons not to want to go to work in the morning (e.g., bad assignment, bad job, bad boss, bad weather), there’s no reason to add bad ex-lover to the list.

3. Can you leave it at the door?  

Even if the relationship is serious and permissible (or properly disclosed) under workplace guidelines, your reason for being at work is to carry out your job responsibilities. Don’t expect preferential work treatment from your colleague-lover. Don’t have arguments about relationship issues at the office. Don’t fail to offer constructive work criticism or feedback because you fear reprisal at home. By the same token, don’t penalize your partner at home for doing their job at the office. Finally, don’t engage in public displays of affection. While you may have met your romantic partner at the office, there’s no such thing as an appropriate “office romance.”

4. What is the best way to make an overture in a work setting?

If you’ve decided that you have the temperament to navigate a personal relationship with a colleague, you may be wondering how to find out if your intended shares your willingness to explore such a scenario. My suggestion would be simply to ask them. Here is an actual account of a personal relationship that began in a work setting. A woman attending a sales conference was approached by a gentleman who found her attractive. He asked whether she was getting the information and contacts that she’d hoped for. She replied that she needed to do some additional networking to complete her agenda. He offered to help, and when he gave her his card he said, “Let me also give you my personal contact information” and wrote his mobile number and gmail account on the card. [Yes, due to the setting, exchanging cards was more appropriate than putting numbers in each other’s phones.] When she called for assistance, she used the personal number purposely. He provided the assistance and then explained that he’d been reticent to ask her out because he worried that she might not want to be pursued in a professional setting. She said that she was fine with it and believed many other women would be as well. They went on several dates before parting as friends. And when the see each other annually at that conference, they have nothing except positive things to say to and about each other.

5. What is the impact of “Me Too” on office dating?

Honestly, the “Me, Too” movement should have no impact whatsoever on dating a colleague. “Me, Too” is about women being harassed or assaulted by men who will not accept “No, thanks” as an answer, whereas dating is about romantic relationships between consenting adults. This distinction is why we suggest being direct about one’s intentions when approaching a colleague. In the example above regarding the gentleman who asked a woman out after meeting her at a work event, notice that he provided the assistance before asking her if she’d be interested in going out. It would have been inappropriate for him to suggest that he provide the assistance over dinner. After all, there’s no reason to believe the woman moonlights as an escort. So, there should not be the expectation of a quid pro quo. Let’s look at two scenarios side-by-side:

The “appropriate” scenario takes more deliberation than the “inappropriate” one, but the use of caution eliminates the possibility of discomfort, confusion, or awkwardness between the parties. Of course, sometimes a person is nervous and makes an inappropriate comment inadvertently while endeavoring to be funny or cute. If you suspect that may be the case, it’s okay to try to steer the offender back on course. So, let’s return to the “inappropriate” scenario above and course correct.

6.   What are a few signs that dating a particular colleague might be a bad idea?

• If they are in a relationship with someone else regardless of where their partner works, that pre-existing relationship coupled with your status as colleagues will likely over strain your ability to get to know each other personally. Perhaps you should wait until the other relationship ends before agreeing to a date. 
• If the person cannot own the fact that they are interested in you and instead tries to be blasé about it, that may be a sign that they lack the intentionality required to date a colleague. Again, there’s too much at stake in the workplace to trifle with a colleague. Only consider dating a co-worker if they approach you with sincerity.
• If your crush has dated others in the office, take note of how those relationships were carried out and how s/he relates to those exes. Is that how you would want to be treated? If not, what assurances can they provide, both verbally and through actions, that would demonstrate their growth?

In short, dating a colleague requires both professional and romantic maturity. Only you know your emotional readiness for a romance founded at the office. Hopefully the questions posed here will help you to make the right decision for your situation.